Hello Again Anonymous: Starting Anew

Its fitting that the Daily Prompt for today is restart. Not only does today mark the start of a new month, but the reinvigoration of this little corner of the internet, the procession of documenting thoughts and the reinstitution of a medium to share these ideas.

It has been too long since I have come back to this small corner of the internet that I would like to call home, and surely home it is. This is where I had tried the most to keep a record of my thoughts and experiences, this is where I shared my hardships and happiness in the guise of anonymity, this is where I had met a number of people who empathize, understand and respect the opinions of another random person; something that I thought one could could experience once in a blue moon on the internet.

I try to think of the things that I have done within the couple of months of this new year and most of it for me is a haze. This is how I feel like almost everyday these days. The time flies by and before you know it its March already, a month away from my birthday. Maybe it is because I am so close to being done with my degree. The stress from that has been piling up. My Final Year Project, assignments, examinations but above all the fear of what the future holds, or lack thereof.

It is only a month before I finish my final semester and I feel completely different from when I started. I was enthusiastic about programming and the work that I would be doing and now I just want to get it over with. I say this to my friends and they say that is how literally every degree student feels like. Thinking about it now, I think this change mostly happened after my internship, when I had experienced the real world, real work, and real learning. I am not saying learning in university is a waste of time. Though I used only about 33% of what I had learnt in University when I had gone to internship, it helped me prepare for the real learning that I think everyone will have to go through when one gets a job.

Speaking of job, is that what my next chapter of my life going to be? Day in and day out doing specific tasks infront of a computer screen. My university held a lecture on what to do after degree. It was kind of hilarious, the sad kind of hilarious because I knew from the faces of my friends and classmates that almost everyone had no idea what they would do after the degree. There were exceptions of course. The people who had already secured a position from their internship (which did too but I do not want to work there), others who were going to pursue a Masters in their field. My parents have hinted that they want me to do the same, get a Masters degree. And I probably wont mind it either but that is not the real question here. the real question is what is it that I really want?

I think what I would really like is a year off from responsibilities. Not a year to waste playing games and passing grades just cause. I want to figure out what I really want in life. People tell me I am young and I have time to figure everything out but they do not understand. It may be acceptable in their culture to take a break but from where I come from people expect a linear timeline of ones life planned and followed to the letter. My shoulders ache from the weight of responsibilities that rest upon them from not only being the eldest in my family but also being the first to actually graduate from my family. Maybe I will talk to my parents about a possibility of taking a year off.

I talked with my parents yesterday, one of the weekly check ins they do with me. My father told me of how he met with my high school principal. He still remembers me apparently, though I do not remember him much. They talked about my studies and a possibility of me hosting a talk at the school about my work here. I am not in any sense, the type of person who shoves himself into situations such as this but this gives an idea of the expectations my parents have for me. Not only my parents I guess but anyone who had interacted with me during my academic lifetime. “You have potential”, that is what they say, I would wholeheartedly say to myself “I did”

I do not know how to describe it but things changed after I was diagnosed with cancer. Before all that mess, I was always one of the top achievers in my intake, always top in exams, always ahead in studies. I think I started thinking about priorities in life and what I really wanted from it before death. Maybe that was too much for a kid like me back then, who knows… life’s not fair I guess.