Pause on Friendships

A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. The emotion or conduct of  friends, otherwise known as friendships. I have come to really think deep about this term in the last couple of months. What does being friends really mean? Is it just knowing someone for a long long time? Is it when people are more compatible with each other? Or is it something completely different, something that which I am unable to fully understand.

These are trying times for me. I consider myself to be a person of very high tolerance. There is very little that can test my patience. Though I used to be intolerable when I was but a mere child, I have come to control my emotions. That being said I am human. Last few months have been a whirlpool of emotions for me. I had gotten bad news one after another, especially the one I had received from my father. I do not wish to speak of the details as I am still processing all of it myself. Yet every time I think of it, it brings anger and sadness and resolve to my soul. I would even put this time of my life in the top three most toughest time, trying to juggle a range of emotions clashing with each other is not a piece of cake, for me at least.

Among all of this hardships, people who I consider friends decide to test me. Granted that for almost all the time I have known them, they have always been like this, testing my patience just because. And I am almost all the time very much OK with it. It is what they call their show of affection and I can understand that, it could even be considered a deeper form of friendship. But where do I draw the line? Wherever it may be, I have taken action, and like always it is the same.

My response to anything that I do not like is to shun. It is my way of dealing with it. I would go on for months without acknowledging the problem or the person until I got my house in order. I always considered that not saying something was infinitely better than saying something I would regret later on in life, I know I do sometimes. This has worked for me ever since I adopted this method. I know that this is not the best of way yet that is who I am. I do not shout, I do not get angry, I just accept and avoid, that is me. This time it is very different. I am not sure if I can bring my house of emotions in order, particularly the news from my father. I can only fully deal with it when and if I ever go back home but until then I shall keep on.

I think people underestimate how serious I am. I am not a particularly laissez faire guy. Because I am introverted, I think too much about everything that happens in my life and the consequences actions can have and how that might affect others. Things I think people my age do not really think about, yet I do. Most of the time, I stick with my resolve, I am unwavering and sometimes too prideful, a flaw that I aim to fix one day.

For now I keep my friendship with this group of people on pause. Me shunning them is not new to them either. Though I am not particularly sore from their actions and that I may have exacerbated the problem by shunning them, this is how I choose to deal with it: deal with everything together or none at all. It may not be the best thing to do but right now I have too much on my plate to deal with their incessant “trolls”.

Hopefully I can find an alternative way to bring my emotions in order. That or I wait till all of it subsides, to which I would be grateful but for now it will remain as is, ignoring them. If it does not work that way then so be it, I will accept the outcome. I sure would not be missing all the trolling that they had been doing.

Anger is the most impotent of passions. It effects nothing it goes about, and hurts the one who is possessed by it more than the one against whom it is directed.
Carl Sandburg

via Daily Prompt: Pause

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