I remember a lot of “exercises” back in primary that were focused on one’s self worth. I did not take it that too seriously back then, and thinking now, I probably have the same feelings even now. Seeing the new daily prompt for the day brought me to these memories from my past. Memories I had not touched in a long time, like an old album in the shelf, collecting dust. What better way to revisit these memories than through writing? I can save my moments of childhood before they vanish from my memories.
The most vivid memories of when I had measured my self worth was when my teacher had made the whole class write up all the things that we owned or was ever spent on us. It got me thinking about a lot of things at that time. One thing I realized was that I did not own a lot of things back then. I had very little to my name, and whatever I had in reality was that of my parents. I remember writing up a whole page full of things that were used for me. I remember writing all the clothes, the food, the expenses, and whatever else I had any form of contact with into my self worth.
Looking back, I thought that having more on the list meant that you had higher self worth. The more there was means the more spent meaning the more I am worth, is it not? Now my thinking is very different from then. I have infinitely more than I ever had compared to before, yet I do not believe that is what contributes to my self worth. This thought process was backed up by most important lesson I learnt along my journey of life when I was diagnosed with cancer. Among the three children that my parents have, I am probably the one they spent most on. With hospital fees and chemotherapy and all the antibiotic and sickness pills I was taking I knew financially it would cost a fortune, especially after the fact that insurance does not cover the most important (and oddly enough the most expensive) of treatments: chemotherapy.
With all that money being poured to my well being, I did not feel any increase in my self worth. In fact, that might have been the worst I had felt in my life. The times I would lie in the hospital bed looking out into this one window when I went for chemotherapy or the moments right after where I would spent time shivering in a wheelchair. The scene from that one window is forever seared deep into my memory. With a close of my eyes I can see the plot of land that was being dug for construction. Right through all the dust and hassle lay a massive oak tree, that would dance with the changing colors of the wind. I would admire that tree for hours, how the leaves moved with the wind, how people took refuge under it during the rain, how it stayed strong even though its home around it was being destroyed. These thoughts would help me keep my mind off the pain my arm would feel from the injection of chemo to my veins. I wonder what the state of that tree is now. Last time I went to the hospital they had built a new wing somewhere along that location, I wonder if it is still alive.
I know I may have gone off on a tangent but what I am trying to get across is that life and self worth is not defined by the wealth of a person, I do not think so at least. You could be the richest man in the world yet have very little worth of yourself. I believe self worth is defined by the values that you hold dear and the principles that you follow. The lessons you have learned along the way keeps you growing more and more as a person, adding value to your self worth. For me, the memories of the past or not “it’s just the past”. I hold more value to it than that, for they are what made me who I am. That is not to say I am defined by them, it is just that without the past, how can there ever be a better future? For yourself and the people around you, measure your own self worth, and understand what makes you who you are so that you can keep on improving to be better than before.
Measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so.
Quick sketch I drew of how I remember the location
via Daily Prompt: Measure