Ruminations into the Soul

I know that most people, including myself do not have the time in my day-to-day routine to just sit by myself alone in a room and just think about what I am doing with my life. The idea pops in my head once in a while when I get overwhelmed or when I have absolute zero clue on what I am doing, but I almost never give it the chance to solidify into an actual thought. Even the idea itself is kind of frightening. Evaluating your soul for what it has done regardless of your beliefs or presumptions, I would say is nothing short of eye-opening.

I must admit that I myself have been practicing this for quite some time now. I think I started to really look into myself and the deeds I have done when I had been diagnosed with cancer. Those few weeks I felt a sense of acceptance that my fate was sealed. Then came self-evaluation. The first time when I had ever thought of all the things that I have done throughout my life up until that point. It was kind of scary taking the first steps but I would say in the end it has helped me become a better person.

When I would ruminate about my life, I would think of the things that stick to my memory the strongest. The things I found enjoyable, the things that made me sad and the regrets that lingered to my soul. I would try to find closure of the things I had done that were wrong. How I had mistreated some of the people I knew, how I had regretted not taking the actions that were necessary and how I was arrogant and prideful to take the first step to change. I would most of the time remember the unjust and the regretful actions I took rather than the joyful and happy memories and thus it would always without fail fill me with a sense of sadness and longing.

But it is important to note that without these feelings I would not be the same person that I am today. I learnt lessons from these regrets and I would take action to correct them in future. Through the memories of pain I had caused others, I would learn to practice empathy or at least try to empathize what the other party is going through.From the actions that I would consider unjustly, I would try to do as many or more good to the people around me. I would make vows to myself, even though thinking back now, I may not have kept all of them entirely, it would always help me cheer myself up. It would help me get through life one step at a time.

Thinking about my actions itself will lead me to think about the people who are in my life. The ones I love, the ones I do not get along with or the ones that just pass by without a second thought. I would think of all the things that they have done for me and what I have done for them. I would evaluate how good a son or friend I was to those who mattered. I would also evaluate the people themselves who are in my life. If a person is consistently a negative force in my overall life, should I entertain such behaviors? Would that be considered rude or selfish on my part? Should I even care what they think when they do not even try to empathize what I feel when I consistently do it the other way round?

Either way, decisions have to be made. Though there are times more often that not that I would reconsider these decisions, one thing is for certain, at the end of all this I would feel a sense of relief. I would feel as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could go to sleep knowing that when and if I wake up tomorrow, I would remember the things that I have thought and decided, and work myself to make my life as well as of those who surround me just a bit better. And even if they do not notice these changes I would be fine, as long as I know of what I have done.

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

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